Jeremy's Advice Column

Question 14: My Dog

fanfictiondramatica — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 03:30:08 +0000

Email: My dog won’t stop peeing on my carpet. The vet said she has an anxiety problem, but I really doubt this effects the size of her bladder. I’ve tried pet diapers and everything, but it just isn’t worth it having to clean up the little Kotex Pads full of piss. What should I do to cure my dog of her continues flow of urine?

Thanks,
Pissed out in North Carolina

Thanks for the email Pissed Out In North Carolina. I’ve taken your problem to heart, and I think I have the perfect solution.

I think it’s time you beat the shit out of your dog. Teach that little beast that if she’s going to keep this shit up, she’s going to pay the fucking price. I had a dog one time, and she was a piss monster too. But as soon as I hit her over the head with a shoe and she stopped. Although, that only worked for a little while, seeing as she peed again a few days after and I had to take her out back and shoot her square between the eyes with a shotgun.

…God I miss that dog.

Anyway, you need to teach your dog that if she messes with the bull, she’s going to get a fucking club whacked over her face.

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 13: My Parents

fanfictiondramatica — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 02:56:55 +0000

Email: I have this problem at home. My parents are constantly beating me and sending me to bed without dinner. The only freedom I have is when I sneak out of my room to scourge the garbage for leftovers so I can eat, and when I sneak onto the old laptop in the basement to go on the Internet. Soon I am going to run away, but I before I do I want to get revenge on my parents for being such horrible human beings. How should I take revenge on my parents?

Out of completely honesty, I do not know how to answer your question. I guess the only thing I could tell you to do is….

Grow a fucking pair. Seriously, you’re taking all this crap from your parents and you could just pop them in the mouth. Don’t be a little pussy, fight back. Eat food when you want to eat food and go on the internet when you want to go on the internet. Seriously, I’ve never heard of such a big pussy in my entire life.

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 12: I Have Feelings…

fanfictiondramatica — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 05:05:34 +0000

Email: I have feelings for this guy, lets call him Leremy, how do I tell him about this feelings?

Ok, let’s see here. Follow these steps carefully and do exactly as I say.

Write a mysterious letter telling them that “It Will Happen At 5AM.” Make about 5 copies of it and send him one every day. After a week is over, I want you to go out a buy a guitar. Any type of guitar will do, whether it be expensive or cheap. Then, at 4 AM I want you to go over to his house and start staring at his ceiling. He will most likely be wide awake thinking about what’s going to happen at 5 AM. Wait outside his window until about 4:30, then start to slowly strum the guitar. Note that this will best work if the guitar is hideously out of tune. Also, try not to play it too loud. Just play it so that it is barely audible from about 10 feet away. Keep this up for about 10 minutes, and the start playing the song “Marry Had A Little Lamb” as slowly as you can. If you don’t already know how to play this on the guitar, I suggest you learn it. Start off very slowly, waiting about 10 seconds between notes. Then, start playing it faster and faster. Eventually, you need to go so fast that you aren’t even playing the song anymore but are just moving your fingers maliciously up and down on the neck of the guitar. Do this until 4:50 AM. That’s when you stop, and hide in a nearby bush. He will probably check outside his window a couple of times during this silence, and that’s what your goal is. At exactly 5 AM, pay especially close attention. As soon as he pops his head out of the window to look outside for another time, take the guitar and throw it straight at his window. What you hope to happen is that it will hit him in the head and he will fall back into his room. After this, pull the gun out of your pocket and storm into his house. Kill anyone that tries to stop you except for “Leremy.” Once you get up to his room, take the gun and shoot him in the leg. This will keep him from going anywhere. Now, lay the gun softly on the floor of his room. He will most likely be crying in pain, but don’t worry about that for now. So, once you’ve infiltrated his room, you need to start walking towards him. The slower you walk, the better. Next, you need to pull out a small whistle. Slowly move it up to your mouth, widening your eyes every inch it gets closer. Now, press it against your lips, and whistle for a cab and when it comes near the license plate says FRESH and it’ll have dice in the mirror. If anything, you can say that the cab is rare, but just forget it and say “Yo Homes, To Bel-Air!” You’ll pull up to a house around 7 or 8 and yell to the cabbie “Yo Homes, smell you later.” Look at your kingdom and you’ll be finally there to sit on your thrown as the prince of bel-air. Then take the gun and shoot yourself in your head.

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 11: My Fly…

fanfictiondramatica — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 03:05:22 +0000

Email: My fly is undone.
what should I do?

Well, you see, the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Just tell yourself that you need to not have your fly down. Remind yourself every morning for the next week, it’ll dig in. After you’ve done that, you need to start lifting weights. I’m not talking about those pussy 300 pound weights, either. You need to be able to pick up a full grown elephant. If you can’t pick up an elephant, then you aren’t going to be able to do this next step….

Zip up your god damn zipper. Seriously dude, just close your fingers around the zipper-handle-thing, and fucking pull it up. It’s disgusting, nobody wants to walk up to you and suddenly have the sight of your WANG popping up in their face! Nobody wants to see that! Just pull up your zipper! It’s not that hard!

Or better yet, stop wearing pants! It’s the beginning of spring! Put shorts on or something, you don’t need to wear blue jeans every day! Come on, dude!

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 10: What If…?

fanfictiondramatica — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 02:49:01 +0000

Email: What if one of my friends thinks I hated Kid A by Radiohead, when in reality I thought it was pretty good?

Well, friend, I think you should tell them how you feel. It’s obvious that they’re hurt by making these false accusations, and you need to end their trouble. I recommend inviting them over to your house for dinner. Set up a small table with candles and champaign. When the mood is set, grab your friends hand and tell them you love them. Then turn on the CD Player and have the album “Kid A” start playing. I can guarantee they’re going to want you so hard after this.

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 9: I Have This Friend…

fanfictiondramatica — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 05:11:17 +0000

Email: Let’s call him ConnOOOOrRrRrRaptorEXPLOSION2000!!!!!<33333. I recommended him the Radiohead album Kid A. Apparently he hated it, seeing as he mutilated my anal cavity immediately after listening to it. How can I regain his love, and have him mutilate my anal cavity in a way I enjoy?

I think the best thing to do would be to try and make him understand that you thought it was a good album for him to listen to. Although, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t like Kid A, seeing as it’s a good album. Maybe he’s just a little butthurt about something else. Maybe he’s having the same problem as the guy from Question 3. Actually, no, that’s impossible.

He’s probably just a little bitch. Just give him another album and brush it off. He’ll get over it in time.

Hope I helped,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 8: Advice?

fanfictiondramatica — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 04:59:35 +0000

Email: Jeremy, your advice dazzles me. I feel so inspired, so
much I want to start my own advice column, hopefully
someday verging on the spectacular wit of yours.

So please, I need advice on starting an advice column.

Sincerely – Me

Thank you very much, this makes me feel good. But to give you advice, I guess the only thing I have to say is…

Don’t start an advice column.

THIS IS MY WORLD, DUSTIN! YOU CAN’T BE A PART OF MY WORLD! GO GET YOUR OWN FAME SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Hope I helped,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 7: I’m A Fucking Pervert!

fanfictiondramatica — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 04:42:40 +0000

Email:

Everytime I try to go up and video tape my neighbors having sex, they always stop, and I guess they hear me through the bushes

Yeah, but thats not the main problem, its just last time they actually saw me in the bushes, and they took my camera, and said if I didnt leave, they would call the police, so I left, and I thought I would just come back later and watch, and maybe masturbate a little. So I did, but this time I was really careful, I didnt make one sound, and I dont know how, but they knew I was there, and they called the police, and they said they would bring me to jail just for the night, and here I am, in jail, im typing this on my phone, which I stuck up my ass so they wouldnt take it, and I have to go to court tomorrow, so I was just wondering, what is the most reasonable excuse I can give the judge on why I was watching my neighbors having sex?

Obviously, they don’t understand you. You’re just a simple, humble person wanting to watch two of your neighbors fuck each other. What’s wrong with that? Them taking your camera away is just sickening, too. I mean, what kind of a person would steal away your happiness? What horrible people, I’m surprised you didn’t call the cops on them. I applaud you for dealing with their idiocy and coming back to watch more. It’s a shame you couldn’t have at least finish one go-round before getting caught, though. It’s a shame that you got caught, and I feel bad for you.

Here’s what you need to do, when you get out of jail, go talk to them. Let them know how you feel, ask them if they want to make a pornography video and post it on the internet. You know, small talk.

After you get them going with that, tell them how great you think the weather is. Even if it’s crappy weather outside, people are always loving to talk about that shit. Ok, once you’ve got them hooked, you’re going to need to take out a 2×4. Since you can fit a cellphone in your ass, you can keep a 2×4 in there as well, I’m sure. Anyway, just hit the husband over the fucking head with it. Pin down the wife, and videotape you having the best sex with her. Post it on the internet, and when it gets millions of views, tell her that “This All Could Have Been Avoided…”

If for some reason you can’t fit a 2×4 in your ass, or the husband isn’t knocked out completely on the first swing, hide your phone in your ass again and send me another email when you’re back in jail.

Hope I helped,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 6: I Have Orange Hair!

fanfictiondramatica — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 04:31:21 +0000

Email: JEREMY,

I have orange hair.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Orange hair? Ew, you fucking freak. Why would you even email me? I don’t want to get your orange hair all over me. Seriously, go sit on the other side of the room. Don’t even look at me. I swear to god, you’re going to get your retardation of orange hair all over my new suit. Don’t think about me, don’t try to talk to me, and always walk on the other side of the street. Don’t drink at any of the drinking fountains I do, and expect to get beaten up every Friday afternoon.

I hate you, I never want to see you, and I swear to God I’m going to become Dictator of this fucking country and kill everyone with the same characteristics of you.

Hope I helped,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 5: I’ve Lost My Yes!

fanfictiondramatica — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 04:21:12 +0000

Email: I… I…

I’ve lost the YES.

I don’t know how it could’ve happened… I’ve believed in the YES my entire life… until now.

Oh God, Jeremy, How do I get my YES BACK?

- Hex

OH GOD KIKI YOU LOST YOUR YES!? LET’S GET OUT THE DANCERS TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER! COME BACK TO LIFE KIKI! COME BACK TO LIFE!

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com