Question 14: My Dog

Email: My dog won’t stop peeing on my carpet. The vet said she has an anxiety problem, but I really doubt this effects the size of her bladder. I’ve tried pet diapers and everything, but it just isn’t worth it having to clean up the little Kotex Pads full of piss. What should I do to cure my dog of her continues flow of urine?

Thanks,
Pissed out in North Carolina

Thanks for the email Pissed Out In North Carolina. I’ve taken your problem to heart, and I think I have the perfect solution.

I think it’s time you beat the shit out of your dog. Teach that little beast that if she’s going to keep this shit up, she’s going to pay the fucking price.  I had a dog one time, and she was a piss monster too. But as soon as I hit her over the head with a shoe and she stopped. Although, that only worked for a little while, seeing as she peed again a few days after and I had to take her out back and shoot her square between the eyes with a shotgun.

…God I miss that dog.

Anyway, you need to teach your dog that if she messes with the bull, she’s going to get a fucking club whacked over her face.

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 13: My Parents

Email: I have this problem at home. My parents are constantly beating me and sending me to bed without dinner. The only freedom I have is when I sneak out of my room to scourge the garbage for leftovers so I can eat, and when I sneak onto the old laptop in the basement to go on the Internet. Soon I am going to run away, but I before I do I want to get revenge on my parents for being such horrible human beings. How should I take revenge on my parents?

Out of completely honesty, I do not know how to answer your question. I guess the only thing I could tell you to do is….

Grow a fucking pair. Seriously, you’re taking all this crap from your parents and you could just pop them in the mouth. Don’t be a little pussy, fight back. Eat food when you want to eat food and go on the internet when you want to go on the internet. Seriously, I’ve never heard of such a big pussy in my entire life.

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 12: I Have Feelings…

Email: I have feelings for this guy, lets call him Leremy, how do I tell him about this feelings?

Ok, let’s see here. Follow these steps carefully and do exactly as I say.

Write a mysterious letter telling them that “It Will Happen At 5AM.” Make about 5 copies of it and send him one every day. After a week is over, I want you to go out a buy a guitar. Any type of guitar will do, whether it be expensive or cheap. Then, at 4 AM I want you to go over to his house and start staring at his ceiling. He will most likely be wide awake thinking about what’s going to happen at 5 AM. Wait outside his window until about 4:30, then start to slowly strum the guitar. Note that this will best work if the guitar is hideously out of tune. Also, try not to play it too loud. Just play it so that it is barely audible from about 10 feet away. Keep this up for about 10 minutes, and the start playing the song “Marry Had A Little Lamb” as slowly as you can. If you don’t already know how to play this on the guitar, I suggest you learn it. Start off very slowly, waiting about 10 seconds between notes. Then, start playing it faster and faster. Eventually, you need to go so fast that you aren’t even playing the song anymore but are just moving your fingers maliciously up and down on the neck of the guitar. Do this until 4:50 AM. That’s when you stop, and hide in a nearby bush. He will probably check outside his window a couple of times during this silence, and that’s what your goal is. At exactly 5 AM, pay especially close attention. As soon as he pops his head out of the window to look outside for another time, take the guitar and throw it straight at his window. What you hope to happen is that it will hit him in the head and he will fall back into his room. After this, pull the gun out of your pocket and storm into his house. Kill anyone that tries to stop you except for “Leremy.” Once you get up to his room, take the gun and shoot him in the leg. This will keep him from going anywhere. Now, lay the gun softly on the floor of his room. He will most likely be crying in pain, but don’t worry about that for now. So, once you’ve infiltrated his room, you need to start walking towards him. The slower you walk, the better. Next, you need to pull out a small whistle. Slowly move it up to your mouth, widening your eyes every inch it gets closer. Now, press it against your lips, and whistle for a cab and when it comes near the license plate says FRESH and it’ll have dice in the mirror. If anything, you can say that the cab is rare, but just forget it and say “Yo Homes, To Bel-Air!” You’ll pull up to a house around 7 or 8 and yell to the cabbie “Yo Homes, smell you later.” Look at your kingdom and you’ll be finally there to sit on your thrown as the prince of bel-air. Then take the gun and shoot yourself in your head.

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 11: My Fly…

Email: My fly is undone.
what should I do?

Well, you see, the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Just tell yourself that you need to not have your fly down. Remind yourself every morning for the next week, it’ll dig in. After you’ve done that, you need to start lifting weights. I’m not talking about those pussy 300 pound weights, either. You need to be able to pick up a full grown elephant. If you can’t pick up an elephant, then you aren’t going to be able to do this next step….

Zip up your god damn zipper. Seriously dude, just close your fingers around the zipper-handle-thing, and fucking pull it up. It’s disgusting, nobody wants to walk up to you and suddenly have the sight of your WANG popping up in their face! Nobody wants to see that! Just pull up your zipper! It’s not that hard!

Or better yet, stop wearing pants! It’s the beginning of spring! Put shorts on or something, you don’t need to wear blue jeans every day! Come on, dude!

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com

Question 10: What If…?

Email: What if one of my friends thinks I hated Kid A by Radiohead, when in reality I thought it was pretty good?

Well, friend, I think you should tell them how you feel. It’s obvious that they’re hurt by making these false accusations, and you need to end their trouble. I recommend inviting them over to your house for dinner. Set up a small table with candles and champaign. When the mood is set, grab your friends hand and tell them you love them. Then turn on the CD Player and have the album “Kid A” start playing. I can guarantee they’re going to want you so hard after this.

 

Hope I could help,

-Jeremy

 

If you have a problem of your own, email me at AnswerMyProblems@gmail.com